Tapes of her Life

Lately, there has been this unsettledness bothering her.

If her new pair of shoes was being stepped on, watch that devil rised to her otherwise peacful countenance.

If she couldn't find her things, get out of the way when you see her eyebrows starts to frown.

If she found a scratch on her nice jacket, leave her alone and she'll be glad to dwell on it.

If her mother started to nag too much, her snapping back would have put her to shame cos even a primary 1 knows what is filial piety.

Yeah, she noticed it and hates that ugly self of hers, but didn't know how to deal with it.


Perhaps it was all the sorting through of old photographs, or perhaps she decided it was time to face her anguish. She sat there in tranquill after a bad outburst of temper, it has been sometime since she last experienced it, and started rewinding the tapes of her life.............

Ever since young she never had much.

She had never own a Barbie doll. And when she brought home 2 dolls she borrowed from her schoolmate, she got severely reprimanded.

When the rest of the world had a computer, she was contented with a television.

Her dad was brought up like an "Ah sia", meaning a young master. Everything her family had or do, was dependent on her grandad. Her father is a squanderer. Being the way he was brought up, he never knew how to make and protect wealth. What he knew best, was to waste it away on his lavish and selfish "hobbies". Family never seem to be his first priority.

"Retribution". The word suddenly ran through her head, interrupting the flow down her memory lane. Ya, maybe it was one reason to explain why the 2 sons of her grandfather didn't made it to protect the little empire he spent his life building.

She was too young and couldn't do anything. On top of it all, she being a female, can never have much weight in a traditional Chinese Teochew family anyway.

Her mother was the last pillar of support, holding the family together after her grandad left for heaven, which would have fallen into pieces if not for her strength, if not for her children.

They live day to day, just another typical family trying to make ends meet, neither pathetic nor are they very comfortable.

But she learn. That the world is never fair and that being simple and contented can be fortunate too. However, that didn't stop her from striving for a better life, for her mother, for herself and for one that she never had. Simply because she can't undo the past and there is only one option - looking ahead, and try to make sense of this world.

All she prays is that, she never lose herself in doing so.

Once in long while, this comes back, as if to haunt her. Or maybe she is still coming to terms with it.

Whatever it is. She just needs to let it off her chest and then shelf it.

And maybe sometime much later, she's gotta deal with it again.
=)